HIS MASTERS’ VOICE
By Matthew Craig
mattscrew@hotmail.com

PAGE ONE

Panel One

Establishing shot. Day. External shot of a two storey building. It looks like a hospital. A smoking chimney, which connects to a medical incinerator we can’t see, juts out from the top of the building.

1. CAPTION:	"We never should have let it happen."
2. CAPTION:	"But who would have thought that they hated us so?"

Panel Two

Flashback  panel. External shot. A park. Day. We see three people (animal rights activists) and two Labradors. One of the activists is kneeling next to one of the dogs, fixing a matchbox-sized device around its neck. A second activist stands in front of the other dog, giving it the thumbs-up. This dog is already wearing a modified collar: his tail is wagging frantically.

On the right of panel, a third activist holds up the box that the devices came in: it should have the legend “TALKIES!” written across it in a speech bubble, coming from the mouth of a cartoon dog.

3. CAPTION:	"As soon as the V-box technology was there, to translate a dog's barks and yelps into recognisable English, the animal rights lobby had us hooking up every dog in sight.”

Panel Three

Flashback panel. More dogs wearing V-Box collars. Various breeds. Some having conversations with people.

4. CAPTION:	"From Alaskan huskies, pulling sleds across the tundra, to half-rabid Moroccan strays, dogs all over the world began talking to their masters."

Panel Four

Flashback panel. Dog on a talk show, making the host laugh like a drain.

5. CAPTION:	"The dog lovers, the animal psychologists. Hell, even the talk show hosts. Everybody wanted to know what the dogs had to say."
Panel Five

Back to the present. Inside the building, now. Close headshot of our NARRATOR. He’s in his late thirties to early forties, with a sad, weary face. Although we can’t see it yet, he’s wearing hospital scrubs – the green shirt and trousers, and white pumps – but no gloves or mask. He’s speaking directly to us – or, at least, an audience we can’t see.

6. NARRATOR:	It wasn't what we wanted to hear.

PAGE TWO

Six panels, split into three rows of two. Panel One and Panel Six are the only ones set in the present, so they should be treated in the same way as on Page One.

Panel One

Similar shot to the previous one, of our NARRATOR addressing an audience only he can see. As the story progresses, we should pull back gradually, until we can see that the NARRATOR is stood behind a lectern, in a small lecture room, about the size of a squash court.

1. NARRATOR:	It turned out that dogs were smarter than we thought.

Panel Two

In a classroom, where the blackboard is at dog height. A daschund is solving a complicated-looking sum, much to the astonishment of the human teacher. He holds the chalk in his mouth.

2. CAPTION:	"Smarter than apes. Smarter than dolphins."

Panel Three

The daschund again, writing an even more complicated –looking sum on the board. He looks at the teacher, wagging his tail. The teacher, for his part, merely scratches his head in bemusement.

3. CAPTION:	"And smarter than us."

Panel Four

Outside Number 10 Downing Street. Mid-length shot of the Prime Minister, in front of the cameras with a big, Scooby Doo-style wolfhound, holding up a Bill of Canine Rights (clearly labelled as such). He smiles broadly, thinking he’s got the next election in the doggy bag.

4. CAPTION:	"Once we realised that dogs were intelligent, we had to start treating them like people."
5. CAPTION:	"We gave them the vote."

Panel Five

An Alsatian, waiting tables in a typical local pub. He has a tray on his back, for dead glasses, and he carries a bar towel in his mouth.

6. CAPTION:	"We gave them jobs, and money."
Panel Six

Back to the present, and our NARRATOR, again. He leans forward, emphasising the word “enough.”

7. NARRATOR:	But, for the dogs, it wasn’t enough...

PAGE THREE

Five panels, split into three rows. Panel One takes up the top row. Panels Two to Five make up the rest of the page: two rows of two panels of the same size.

Panel One

Flashback panel. A montage of dogs doing different jobs: a King Charles Spaniel working as a Lollypop Dog; a dog in a welders mask, wearing prosthetic arms, welding something; a regiment of Doberman soldier-dogs; a bulldog on his hind legs, making a speech at a rally. Have the bulldog wear one of those political ribbony things.

1. CAPTION:	"They started to lobby for more and better technology. They ended up being able to do all the work of a man."
2. CAPTION:	“Including soldiering.”

Panel Two

Present. Our NARRATOR, tears welling up in his eyes, looks to the heavens as he says:

3. NARRATOR:	Oh, god forgive us, we let them take control.

Panel Three

Flashback panel. The Bulldog, standing outside Number 10 Downing Street, a slightly smaller bulldog – his bitch – by his side. Lots of camera flashes. The Premier and his First Bitch are flanked by Doberman soldier-dogs.

4. CAPTION:	"They wanted revenge, you see."
5. CAPTION:	"Revenge for ten thousand years of being kicked away from the fire."

Panel Four

Internal shot of the main chamber of the House of Commons. The government side of the house and the Speaker’s chair is exclusively doggy. The opposition benches have a few humans at the front, but are, for the most part, taken up with canine Members of Parliament. The Prime Minister – the Bulldog – stands at the microphone, speaking, while members of the party opposite bark their (well-rehearsed) disapproval.

6. CAPTION:	"Ten thousand years of having to beg for food."
7. CAPTION:	"Ten thousand years of having their noses rubbed in their own shit."

Panel Five

External Shot. Night. The Dog Soldiers on the march. Ranks of the meanest, nastiest looking sons-of-bitches that you can spit forth onto the page: Dobermanns, Rottweilers, all wearing body armour, walking on their hind legs, and carrying scary-looking guns in prosthetic arms (see Panel One). Each one a killer. Each one snarling and slavering. Scary.

8. CAPTION:	"And worse, still..."
9. CAPTION:	"...Ten thousand years of controlling their breeding…"

PAGE FOUR

This is the important page. This sets up the Big Reveal. We’re in the lecture theatre I described earlier. It’s the size and shape of a squash court – longer than it is wide, at any rate – with a big door at the back, a lecturer’s lectern at the front, and two normal-sized doors on each of the long sides. These will become important in Panel Two.

The page is, once again, divided into three rows. Panel One, the Big Reveal, takes up the upper strip. Panels Two and Three split the middle row evenly. Panel Two should stand out from the rest slightly, as it has a “SUDDENLY - - !!” kind of role to perform. Panels Four to Six divide the bottom row into equal thirds.

Panel One

The Big Reveal. Mid-length shot of our NARRATOR, speaking to a lecture hall full of people (okay, there’s about twenty people in total - men and women, wearing medical scrubs - but we can’t see them all yet). We need to see the side doors in this panel, but there’s absolutely no need to show the whole room. The NARRATOR gestures with his left hand, towards the side doors.

1. NARRATOR:	And that's why you've been brought here, today.

Panel Two

The doors at the side of the room burst open, suddenly (well, they slide into the ceiling, a bit like the doors on the USS Enterprise, but you get the picture). A squad of armed Doberman soldier-dogs (between eight and ten) rush into the lecture hall…

NO COPY

Panel Three

…and surround the shocked and panicking humans, herding them together like so many bleating sheep.

2. NARRATOR:	The dogs have decided that you people are to be relieved of your reproductive abilities.

Panel Four

Looking down the length of the room, now, as if from the POV of the NARRATOR. The big door at the back of the room begins to slide slowly open, and the soldier-dogs close in on the throng, roughly herding them through to the next chamber. One of the humans, a youngish MAN, turns to address our narrator, horrified by the inevitable conclusion:

3. MAN:	...You mean...?
Panel Five

180º change of camera angle. We see, from behind the MAN’s head, our NARRATOR slumping forward, fingers laced, leaning on the lectern for support.

4. NARRATOR:	*sigh* I'm afraid so.

Panel Six

Same camera angle: the NARRATOR looks into the MAN’s eyes, with a mixture of sadness and sympathy

5. NARRATOR:	You're all to be neutered, immediately.

PAGE FIVE

Six-panel grid, three rows of two panels.

Panel One

From behind the NARRATOR, we see the MAN lunge forward, spitting and cursing, but a pair of soldier-dogs restrain him. In the rear of the picture, we can see the assembled humans are being guided through the big doorway, presumably towards some sort of medical bay – I hope!

1. NARRATOR:	I'm sorry.

Panel Two

The soldier dogs push the MAN back into line. The NARRATOR stands up straight, his left hand outstretched, calling to the disappearing throng.

2. NARRATOR:	I'm told it's quite painless.

Panel Three

Most of the humans and soldier-dogs have gone through the door by this point. The stragglers are shoved through by the soldier-dogs. The NARRATOR grips the side of the lectern.

3. NARRATOR:		You'll hardly miss them...
4. NARRATOR (sotto voce):	I know I don't...

Panel Four

The last soldier-dog passes through the doorway, and the big door slams shut. The NARRATOR steps back from the lectern, pulls on the waistband of his trousers, and looks down at the space where his balls used to be. Remember, we can’t see all of his face.

NO COPY

Panel Five

The NARRATOR collapses against the lectern, bursting into floods of tears.

5. NARRATOR (crying):	A-HUH-HUH-HHUU…

Panel Six

External Shot. Day. The outside of the two-storey building, once more. We only have half the space in this panel that we did for PAGE ONE, Panel One, so for simplicity’s sake, it’s probably easier to copy the half of the image from the first page that contains the smoking hospital chimney (the obvious implication being that the smoke is coming from burning gonads).

6. CAPTION:	“A-HUH-HUUU-HHUUUU…”
7. Legend:	END.
END

Script, characters and situations © Matthew Craig.