THE TUG
By Matthew Craig
mattscrew@hotmail.com

PAGE ONE

Page One is split into three wide panels.

Panel One

Black panel to full bleed.

1. CAPTION:	Skating a fine line between outdated parody and outright copyright infringement…

Panel Two

Full bleed picture of THE TUG, as it flies through interdimensional space.

	2. CAPTION:	…the transdimensional schooner known only as The Tug.

Panel Three

Black Panel to full bleed again.

	3. VOICE(no tail):	Christ on a fucking BIKE!

PAGE TWO

Six panel page. One wide panel across the top, three smaller panels across the middle, and two panels across the bottom of the page.

Panel One

Wide panel. Inside The Tug. We’re in the Recreation Room. WRENCH hunts in the fridge for booze that isn’t there. Meanwhile, The Ref sits in an easy chair on the other side of the room, reading a football magazine.

1. WRENCH:	The BOOZE! It’s all been drunk!
2. THE REF:	Don’t look at me: Pinky and fucking Perky were at it last time I heard.

Panel Two

Wrench slams the fridge door shut.

3. WRENCH:	SHIT!

Panel Three

Wrench stomps over to the sofa, and sits down opposite The Ref.

4. WRENCH:	Those two never think of anyone else. God, I hate sharing The Tug with them. Next time I see them, I’m going to…ERRG!

Panel Four

The Ref looks up from his comic.

5. THE REF:	It’s a couple thing. They’re at that irritating, hands-in-each-other’s pockets stage. It’ll pass.

Panel Five

Wrench reacts, while picking up a magazine of her own.

6. WRENCH:	Pass? They’ve been going out for a year!

Panel Six

The Ref looks bemused, and makes to swap magazines. Behind his head, two figures enter the room.

7. THE REF:	Really? Seems longer.
8. PINKY(off-panel):	Hiya!
PAGE THREE

Six panel page.

Panel One

PINKY and PERKY walk into the room, holding hands. Perky waves (with her free hand) at Wrench.

1. PERKY:	Good morning, sunshine! Sleep well?

Panel Two

Wrench reacts with shock, pointing at her watch.

2. WRENCH:	“Morning?” It’s half-eight at night!

Panel Three

Pinky pulls Perky in for an Eskimo kiss (booaakk).

3. PINKY:	Wow, I guess that lie-in must have been longer than we thought.
4. PERKY:	tee-hee-hee-heee

Panel Four

Wrench sits forward in her chair. The Ref doesn’t look up, but smiles broadly at this exchange.

5. WRENCH: So, do you guys know what happened to my booze? Because 
I’m very thirsty, and I have no booze.

Panel Five

Pinky looks sheepish, and buries her head in Perky’s shoulder. Perky smiles a big smile.

6. PERKY:	Oh, we’re sorry, W. We needed a nightcap…at about four am.
7. PINKY:	Yeah, we’re sorry, W. We’ll ask next time.
8. BOTH(unison):	Sorry.

Panel Six

Wrench stands up, unable to summon the ire to overcome this sugary onslaught.

9. WRENCH:	That’s okay. I needed to go out for something to eat, anyway.
PAGE FOUR

Six-panel page.

Panel One

Pinky and Perky react like dogs who suddenly hear a can opener rattle. They haven’t let go of each other’s hands, yet.

1. PERKY:	Ooh! Are you going for takeaway?

Panel Two

Wrench reacts, suspiciously. The Ref is, by now, practically corpsing with laughter.

2. WRENCH:	…yyyyeeeessss…?

Panel Three

Pinky and Perky bring their free hands together, as if in supplication.

3. PERKY:	Oooh, you couldn’t, possibly…?
4. PINKY:	…pick us up a little Chinesey?

Panel Four

Reverse angle, as Wrench rolls her eyes.

5. BOTH(unison):	Pleasey-weasy?

Panel Five

The Ref holds a pillow to his face, to stifle his laughter. The sod. Wrench’s shoulders slump.

6. WRENCH:	Ohh….alright.

Panel Six

Pinky and Perky hug with joy. Vom.

7. PINKY&PERKY(unison):	Yay!

PAGE FIVE

Six-panel page.

Panel One

Walking towards a teleport bay, past Pinky and Perky, Wrench holds out her hand.

1. WRENCH:	Okay. Gimme some cash.

Panel Two

Perky pouts.

2. PERKY:	Aww, well…we’re a bit short tonight.
3. PINKY:	Yeah. Can we pay you back tomorrow? Sorry.
4. PERKY:	It’s just that we can’t get to a cash point until we shift into a dimension with a Link ATM in it.

Panel Three

Wrench makes eye contact with The Ref, who smiles at her from behind a Roy of the Rovers annual. She sighs with resignation.

5. WRENCH:	Oh, alright, then. Pay me tomorrow. Ref, do you want anything?

Panel Four

The Ref lowers his annual.

6. THE REF:	Oh, just a little dim sum. And maybe some crispy fried duck. And a fortune cookie. Please!

Panel Five

Wrench steps into the teleport cubicle. Pinky and Perky wave after her.

7. PINKY:			Same for us, please!
8. PERKY(sotto voce):	Oh, I thought we might have char su and lemon chicken tonight.
9. PINKY(sotto):		Well, why don’t we have both?
10. PERKY:			Okay! Both, please, W!

Panel Six

Shaking her head, Wrench calls out to the ship computer.

11. WRENCH:	Belloc? Shift into the nearest iteration with a decent Chinese takeaway.

PAGE SIX

Six-panel page. One wide panel across the top of the page, two panels across the centre, and three across the bottom.

Panel One

The Tug exits interdimensional space, and parks in orbit around an Earth.

No copy

Panel Two

Wrench readies herself for teleportation. The booth lights up.

1. BELLOC:	Orbit achieved. Awaiting orders.
2. WRENCH:	Put me down by the offy.

Panel Three

Wrench shimmers, and is gone.

3. SFX: keeeeeeeeeeeeown.

Panel Four

Pinky and Perky make to sit down opposite The Ref, who looks up from his annual.

No copy

Panel Five

Both women sit, still holding hands. Perky reaches for a magazine. The Ref rests his book on his lap.

No copy

Panel Six

Now seated, The Ref addresses the couple.

4. THE REF:	So. What did you two get up to, last night?

PAGE SEVEN

Six-panel page. One wide panel across the top of the page, three smaller panels across the middle of the page, two larger panels across the bottom.

Panel One

Wide shot. Wrench materializes on Wilmslow Road in Manchester, by the off-license.

1. CAPTION:	Wilmslow Road, Manchester, The Greater Lancastrian Conurbation. The Curry Capital of Earth-TP.
2. SFX:	keeeeeeeeeooooooooooooowwwwwwnnn

Panel Two

Three panels on middle row. Wrench pushes open the door of the off-license.

3. WRENCH: First things first: BOOZE.

Panel Three

Flash panel.

4. SFX:	KA - £ - CHING!

Panel Four

Wrench comes out of the shop with a big box of Booze.

5. WRENCH:	Belloc? Bring this booze up - -

Panel Five

Setting it down, Wrench goes next door into the takeaway. She pushes the door open (while Belloc teleports the booze back to The Tug).

6. WRENCH:	- - and make sure you hide it from the Siamese Twats, while I - 

Panel Six

Wrench sweeps into the takeaway, only to stop in surprise!, when - -

7. WRENCH:	- - gasp! YOU!

PAGE EIGHT

Five-panel page. One wide panel across the top of the page, with the rest of the page divided into four smaller panels.

Panel One

A wide shot, inside the takeaway. There’s a young Chinese girl behind the counter, and an ordinary-looking couple sit on a bench by the window, waiting for their meal. Stood in front of the counter, however, is the notorious ZORGAD THE THUNDERER. Holding hands with the enormous cad is CANDY.

No copy

Panel Two

Wrench stomps up to Zorgad, stopping right in front of him. Zorgad is surprised to see her.

1. WRENCH:		You! Fucker!
2. ZORGAD(sotto):	Oh, shit.

Panel Three

Wrench slaps Zorgad on the chest.

3. WRENCH: “Oh, shit” is right! You fuck me, then you leave me to die?
You piece of shit!

Panel Four

The girl behind the till slaps the counter with a menu.

4. GIRL:	No fighting! Get out!

Panel Five

Zorgad steps back, making a “calm down” motion.

5. ZORGAD:	It’s alright, girl. She’s just happy to see me.
6. WRENCH:	Hey!

PAGE NINE

Six Panel page, leading into Flashback sequence.

Panel One

Candy steps forward, regarding Wrench with something akin to disgust.

1. CANDY:	Who is this greasemonkey?
2. ZORGAD:	Oh, just someone I knew a year or so back. She - -

Panel Two

Wrench addresses Candy, but points at Zorgad. The other customers shift nervously, embarrassed by the scene.

3. WRENCH:	Oh, that’d be right. Listen, Slapperella, Pervyra, or whatever your name is - - 
4. CANDY:	- - Hey! - - 
5. WRENCH:	- - I wouldn’t trust this hairless ballsac with your purse, never mind your tuppence!

Panel Three

Zorgad notices the agitated bystanders, and touches Wrench on the arm, to get her to calm down.

6. ZORGAD:	Wrench, you’re making a scene…

Panel Four

Wrench slaps his arm away.

7. WRENCH:	Kiss my grits! Do you know what he did to me?

Panel Five

We enter Flashback mode, here. If we can make the distinction between the flashback and the takeaway, either via the panel borders or the colouring of the flashback panels, that would help. First, we join the crew of the Tug, watching a bank of video monitors on the bridge. The monitors show various views of an alternate Earth in the throes of violent war (Pinky and Perky are holding each other close).

8. CAPTION(WRENCH):	We stumbled into the middle of a nasty little civil war…

Panel Six

Wrench props up a heavily wounded Zorgad as they dash their way through a war-torn city street. Everything is either on fire or exploding around them.

9. CAPTION(WRENCH):	…and ended up saving this flabby shitehawk from his own gang - -

PAGE TEN

Six-panel page. I’d like the first two panels (flashback panels) to be nice and wide, if possible. The last panel (flashback again) needs to anchor the page in the bottom right hand corner.

Panel One

In space, as The Tug moves away from the alternate Earth. Three small, but heavily armed spacecraft pursue the Tug, and the ships exchange fire. The Tug first destroys one ship…

No Copy

Panel Two

…then it destroys the others, as it peels past the Moon (no SFX: no sound in space).

1. CAPTION(WRENCH):	- - only he didn’t tell us that until after he had us blow them out of the sky.

Panel Three

Back to the takeaway. Wrench stands in front of Zorgad, daring him to respond. Zorgad looks to the heavens, making a “why me” gesture. The other customers have dashed out of the shop, in search of a less intense environment.

2. ZORGAD:	Hey, I never lied to you - -
3. WRENCH:	- - never lied?! You told me that you were a prince!

Panel Four

Candy perks up at this: she’s so cute when she’s golddigging.

4. CANDY:	A prince?

Panel Five

Zorgad smiles, almost sneering, as Wrench turns back to Candy.

5. WRENCH:	Oh yeah. Once he got his feet well and truly under the table - -

Panel Six

Flashback again. Zorgad and Wrench, in bed together…afterwards (ahem).

6. WRENCH:	- - he convinced us to take him back to his homeworld, so he could “reclaim his throne.”
PAGE ELEVEN

Six panel page.

Panel One

We’re in a major city on an alternate Earth where Camelot never fell. One tower stands out among the golden spires, as it is extremely old, and appears to draw light into it, like a black hole.

1. CAPTION(WRENCH):	By “homeworld,” of course, he meant “next target.” And by “reclaim his throne,” he meant -- 

Panel Two

Inside the tower, now. An ancient sorcerer coruscates with electric rage, a large and very empty magical safe wide open behind him.

2. CAPTION(WRENCH):	- - “rob Merlin the Magician!”

Panel Three

Back in the takeaway. Candy gives Zorgad the fisheye. He laughs it off.

3. ZORGAD:	Hey, she’s just bitter, baby. Don’t listen to her.

Panel Four

Back to flashback. Wrench lying in bed, alone, when Merlin bursts into her room, in an explosion of thaumatalurgical light. The noise wakes her up with a start!

4. SFX:	FASSH!

Panel Five

Merlin hovers in the foreground, as Wrench leaps out of the bed, clutching the sheet around her. A note flutters onto the bed.

5. CAPTION(WRENCH):	You’d be bitter too, love, if you had to face History’s most powerful wizard with only a crusty blanket and a Dear John!
Panel Six

Close in on the note, which reads: “SEE YOU AROUND, DOLL. PLACES TO GO, PEOPLE TO SEE. BEST, Z-BOMB.”

PAGE TWELVE

Six panel page.

Panel One

Back in the takeaway. Candy turns away from Zorgad, disgusted. He begs her to ignore Wrench’s story.

1. ZORGAD:	Don’t listen to her, Candy. We only slept together a couple of times, and she can’t take the fact that I broke up with her.

Panel Two

Wrench can’t believe Zorgad’s brass neck.

2. WRENCH:	Broke up with me? You left me to face that hippy bastard without so much as a “we’ll still be friends!”

Panel Three

Zorgad gets right up into Wrench’s face. He’s not happy. He’s getting no Candy tonight. Back-and-forth dialogue: a slanging match.

3. ZORGAD:	You were too clingy!
4. WRENCH:	He turned me into cheap cologne!
5. ZORGAD:	I couldn’t breathe the air in that dimension!
6. WRENCH:	You mean you couldn’t get away with murder! If Belloc hadn’t heard me scream, I would have evaporated like tinned milk!

Panel Four

The girl at the till reaches the end of her tether, and picks up the phone.

7. GIRL:	Get out! Or I’ll call the Police!

Panel Five

Wrench turns to leave, throwing her arms up in despair.

8. WRENCH:	Don’t worry! I’m not staying in here with that sidereal manslut!

Panel Six

Zorgad rolls his eyes, and says something stupid. In the foreground, we see Wrench’s eyes go wide with shock and anger. She stops in the doorway.

9. ZORGAD:	Jesus! Are you on the rag or something?
PAGE THIRTEEN

Four panels. Two quarter-page panels, one small panel in the middle of the page, and one big-ass, full-bleed panel across the bottom third-and-a-bit of the page.

Panel One

Wrench turns around, and fixes Zorgad with a white-hot gaze. She reaches behind her back, pulling something out of a pocket.

NO COPY.

Panel Two

Close in on her. Her rage is incandescent. Hefting a spanner the size of her arm like a baseball bat, she smiles: a cold, terrible thing.

1. WRENCH:	YES.

Panel Three

A small panel. Zorgad's face twists with fear. Too late, he realises that he should have had a Chicken Biryani.

2. ZORGAD(sotto, whimpering):	I didn't know she could do that.

Panel Four

External shot of the takeaway.

3. SFX:	WHANKK.

PAGE FOURTEEN

Five panels; one wide, four square.

Panel One

Back on The Tug. Wrench materialises on the pad, dishevelled, scorched and smoking, and stomps back to the recreation area, where she finds The Ref sitting in the same place as before.

NO COPY.

Panel Two

Wrench flops into her seat opposite The Ref, who looks up.

NO COPY.

Panel Three

Neither of them moves.

1. THE REF:	So, were they out of Duck?

Panel Four

Wrench scowls at The Ref. Soot crumbles off her brow.

2. WRENCH:		They were closed. There was a fire.
3. WRENCH(sotto): 	Eventually.

Panel Five

Reverse angle. The Ref decides not to push it any further.

4. THE REF:	Ah. Right.

PAGE FIFTEEN

Six-panel page. Steady rhythm. Nearly there.

Panel One

Wrench wipes off some of the dirt onto her sleeve.

1. WRENCH:	At least I got my booze. And Belloc’s hidden it from the Sisters Grim, this time.

Panel Two

The Ref looks over at the fridge.

3. THE REF:	Ah. Not well enough, it seems.

Panel Three

Wrench looks over to the fridge. It can’t be, she’s thinking. Belloc wouldn’t hide the booze in the bloody fridge, surely.

NO COPY

Panel Four

Full-length shot of the fridge, looking for all the world like it’s whistling nonchalantly.

NO COPY

Panel Five

Wrench bursts out of her seat, dashing into camera.

4. WRENCH:	No. No.

Panel Six

Wrench pulls open the empty fridge. We see her from inside. Her despairing face is lit by the soft refrigerator light.

NO COPY.

PAGE SIXTEEN

Splash Page. The Tug, sailing off into the sparkling deep of space.

1. CAPTION(WRENCH):	Nooooooo!!
2. CAPTION:			End.
CREDITS
Title: The Tug: Space Moochers Stole My Booze!
Written by Matthew Craig.
Art by Len O’Grady
The Tug created by Matthew Craig.

END

Script, characters and situations © Matthew Craig.

CHARACTER CONCEPTS

THE TUG – As the name suggests, this isn’t the crème de la tomato of spacecraft. I see it as being a bit ugly from the front, like one of those toy dogs with the flat faces, with a big back end. You know how the Renault Megane has a fat arse? Like that.

The ship will need to look like it can shoot things, and it’ll need to look like it can cross dimensions by choice. But it can’t look too cool, or powerful.

WRENCH – I want Wrench to look like a real woman. She’s not Barbarella. She’s Ripley, as played by a young Julie Walters, but with a fat arse (there may be a pattern developing, here). She’s in her mid-twenties, about 5’4”-5’6”, and has shortish brown hair. She wears baggy(ish) overalls, with rolled-up sleeves. Slapperella calls her a “greasemonkey” in the story: I suspect that’s not too far off the mark.

PINKY AND PERKY – Overaffectionate lesbian couple. They never – ever – let go of each other. They either have a hand in each other’s pocket, or an arm round each other, or are in someway touching. I’ve known lots of couple like this, and my searing jealousy aside (so…uggerly…so..*ssll*alone), it bugs the shite out of me. Hell, I’m sure I’ve acted like this meself, but still. Vom city.

Pinky is older than the rest of the women in the cast. If you want to put a label on her, she’s the Butch…but to be fair, compared to Perky, even Claudia Schiffer looks like Fatima Whitbread. Pinky is in her thirties, and is kind of chubby. She’s about 5’8”, has short blonde hair, and looks perpetually flushed. She wears (in this story) a plain shirt and jeans. Perky is exactly that: skinny, attractive, Japanese, and about 19-20, Perky is perpetually up. She wears a soft blue dress, no shoes, and sports purple pigtails. She has an almost constant broad grin, because she’s so in love (blecch) with Pinky.

THE REF – He’s an old-fashioned football referee. Black short-sleeved shirt, white shorts, bald head. He has a laconic manner. He doesn’t do much, either in this story, or in general.

ZORGAD – 6’6” tall, bald, arrogant beyond belief. Think “Dr. Who villain does The Matrix.” Everybody knows somebody like this: full of himself, sneering. A real gobshite. Always screwing around with women. Deserving of extreme comeuppance.
 
CANDY – Or “Slapperella” as Wrench calls her. Candy is a spoilt brat. Dressed like a slightly trollopy version of Neil Gaiman’s Death (but without that ridiculous top hat), she’s petulant, selfish, and pouty. She’s damn nice to look at, though.

MERLIN THE MIGHTY – Big beard. Long robes. Go nuts. Scare people.

MISCELLANOUS PEOPLE – A young Chinese girl, and a married couple.

A MALEVOLENT FRIDGE

LOCATIONS

INSIDE THE TUG – The Recreation Deck is large and rectangular, with a lounge (sofas, table piled with magazines, and a big wall-mounted telly) on one side, and a small kitchen (fridge, cupboards, oven) on the other. At opposite ends of the room are doors in and out of the Deck, one of which leads to a Teleport Booth, and one which leads to the living quarters.

The Teleport Booth is claustrophobic, filthy, and lit from a single overhead light.

We see Wrench’s bedroom a couple of times during the story. It should be a mess of dirty clothes, besdsheets, posters for Three Kings and O Brother, Where Art Thou?, and technical manuals.

WILMSLOW ROAD, MANCHESTER – On our Earth. I have no idea if you’ve ever been there, but Wilmslow Road is a mile-long strip of curry, kebab and chip houses through the heart of South Manchester. We need to get an idea of the length and character of the place, but it doesn’t have to be photo-perfect. Wrench materialises outside an off-license, then goes next door into a Chinese takeaway. That’s what’s important.

ALTERNATE EARTHS – One Earth is in the grips of a violent civil war. The land, the sea, the air: everything should be bruised, burnt or broken. We descend to the surface (when Wrench rescues Zorgad), and it’s like the worst war-torn street in the worst part of the world. Got a favourite city? Burn it to the ground.

The second alternate earth is a place where Camelot never fell. We only see this world through a cityscape made from golden spires, flying cars and Arthurian Utopia. The only exception to this is Merlin’s Tower. Merlin’s Tower should be a dark blemish on the landscape, something the people of this world shy away from. Heavy and gothic, the tower is black as night, and twice as cold.

MERLIN’S CHAMBER – Where would Merlin do all his best work? And would it be furnished by IKEA?

INTERDIMENSIONAL SPACE – Piercing the veil of reality like the top of a Sainsbury’s Tikka Masala, The Tug moves between worlds like a flushed suppository caught in the U-Bend.

THE MOON – From around the Civil War Earth. I’d imagine that Neil Armstrong took atomic weapons to the Moon. And they went off.