TRIXIE BIKER
By MATTHEW CRAIG
mattscrew@hotmail.com

PAGE ONE

There’s not much time to set the scene. Big establishing shot, then right into it.

Panel One

We open on a nice big modern-looking office block. All glass and chrome. Four or five stories from the ground hangs a window cleaner’s cradle. It’s just after midday, on a clear summer’s day.

TITLE:	TRIXIE BIKER
CREDITS:	MATTHEW CRAIG – RIDING PILLION
		ARTIST NAME – HANGING ON TIGHT
(With a tip o’ the hat to HeroMachine.com)

Panel Two

Several storeys above the window cleaner, and a bit to the left, we find one JANE JASPERS, now. She’s in her early twenties, kind of petite, and shy looking. She has her hair in a tight bun, and sports unfashionable round glasses. She’s sat behind her desk, rifling through a pile of papers. Her office (should you care to know) is neater than neat, with a single plant in one corner, and a pink troll-thing stuck to the side of her computer’s monitor.

Panel Three

Suddenly - - a sparking fairy dust effect, like teeny-tiny fireworks, starts going off around JANE’s head. She reacts to this, shocked.

	1. PIXIE-BLUE (off-panel):	Jaaaane!

PAGE TWO

You have to bear with me on this page. It’ll sound fucked-up, but trust me: it’s fried gold. Four panels.

Panel One

Two pixies, PIXIE-BLUE and PIXIE-DEW, materialise on either side of JANE’s head. Both are dressed like Gogo Tinkerbells, and flit in orbits around JANE’s head. They appear to give Trixie Biker guidance and to warn her of danger. JANE watches them as they fly, putting down the papers.

	1. PIXIE-DEW:	Someone’s in trouble, Jane!
	2. PIXIE-BLUE:	You must come, or there will be murder!
	3. PIXIE-DEW:	Murr-derrr!

Panel Two

JANE sighs, and stands up from her chair, taking off her glasses. The PIXIES get out of her way

	4. JANE JASPERS:	*sigh* Here we go again…
FOOTNOTE:	Pixie-Blue and Pixie-Dew warn Jane of danger to the people of Big City. They always dress like that.

Panel Three

JANE hunches a bit, pulling herself in, clenching her fists in front of her face. She’s getting ready to change, and it takes concentration. She grits her teeth, and calls out her Secret Magic Word:

	5. JANE (building up the volume):	ooooohhhh…
	6. JANE (big; linking to Panel Four):	WHUPA!

Panel Four

Big bright flash. Perhaps we can see two shapes laid over each other, like two bodies occupying the same space at the same time. Big explosive effect, anyway.

	7. SFX:	BLAM.

PAGE THREE

The Big Reveal. Where mousy Jane Jaspers once stood, in her place stands the dazzling TRIXIE BIKER. Six foot one. Beautiful brown eyes. Award-winning smile. Like Wonder Woman, TRIXIE radiates with power, but without looking like a female bodybuilder. She’s really something.

Three panels: Panel One to full bleed. Panels Two, Three and Four down the right hand side of the page.

Panel One

TRIXIE BIKER, revealed in all her glory. A “ta-daa” pose.

FOOTNOTE:	Trixie Biker is 6’1”, 175lbs, and is one hell of a dancer.
Son, she’s out of your league.

Panel Two

TRIXIE flexes her muscles and works her joints, loosening up a bit.

	1. TRIXIE:	Right. A little warm-up, first.

Panel Three

From outside, we see TRIXIE leap up onto the windowsill, pushing open the office window, and look down. Smiling, she spots the window cleaner’s cradle (off-panel)

	2. TRIXIE:	Aha!

Panel Four

TRIXIE’s POV, now. Looking down, she(we) can see the window cleaner’s cradle.

	3. TRIXIE:	Easy.

PAGE FOUR

TRIXIE leaps out of the window, drops to the cradle, somersaults off the front, and drops to the ground, summoning her superbike DIXIE as she falls. She lands (on Page Five) with the engine running, and burns off into the lunchtime traffic. Have fun: I’m off down the boozer.

Only joking. Or am I?

A suggestion: could we do this page on two levels: have a full-page picture of the office block in the background, following TRIXIE as she leaps from the window to the cradle to the ground (duplicating Panels One to Five, but not Panel Six, as we want that to stand out), and with the panels laid over the background. Can we overlay these panels in the appropriate places without obscuring the Lil’ TRIXIE? Or is that a bit much?

If you don’t dig that idea, then don’t worry about it. Lay the page out in whatever way you think best. Panel Six has to stand out, though, either way.

Panel One

TRIXIE leaps out of the window, somersaulting forward, but moving across the front of the building.

Panel Two

TRIXIE drives her feet down, so that she drops like an arrow towards the cradle.

FOOTNOTE:	Trixie Biker studied Gymnastics under olga Corbett…and French under Olga Barker.

Panel Three

TRIXIE lands on the cradle – BAM – dropping to a crouch. The cradle shakes, but holds. TRIXIE is still smiling.

	1. SFX:	BAM.

Panel Four

TRIXIE somersaults forward off the cradle. The window cleaner, hanging on for dear life, should look as white as a sheet. He has a fag in his mouth, which should be hanging on almost as precariously as he is.

Panel Five

TRIXIE straightens her legs out, as if she’s about to land on a horse. She puts her fingers in her mouth, and gives an exaggerated whistle. There might even be a musical note.

Panel Six

Just before she hits the ground, there’s another bright flash, like the one on Page Two, Panel Four. Only this time, it’s between her legs. Um. Yeah.

PAGE FIVE

Money shot. Oh, yes. When TRIXIE lands, she’s astride her bike, DIXIE. Now DIXIE is the acme of superbikes. Big, powerful engine. Wide wheels. Red trim, with a single, feminine-looking headlamp, and the word “Dixie” etched in gold along one edge. It should make bike enthusiasts mess themselves, and regular people palpitate. Go for it, chum: this is your (second) chance to break hearts.

TRIXIE and DIXIE hit the ground running.

Panel One

Nice wide shot, from underneath, of DIXIE landing on the road outside the office block, on her back wheel. TRIXIE is smiling with glee.

	1. TRIXIE:	Whoo!
FOOTNOTE:	Dixie is a modified Dodge Thundercat. She ticks over at 400KPH, and is fiercely protective of Trixie Biker.

Panel Two

The front wheel touches down. DIXIE’s back wheel burns rubber - -

Panel Three

- - and roars off into the traffic. The wake created behind DIXIE should affect the pedestrians on the pavement in hilarious ways (hairpieces sucked off by vacuum, skirts blown up, small dogs on leads dragged off the ground, etc., etc.).

	2. DIXIE (SFX): rrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Panel Four

The PIXIES materialise either side of TRIXIE’s head, and begin flitting to and fro, while DIXIE weaves between cars and buses.

	3. TRIXIE:		So where are we headed, girls?
	4. PIXIE-BLUE:	The Bank, Trixie!
	5. PIXIE-DEW:	Dr. Kropotkin’s robbing the Bank!

Panel Five

Close in on TRIXIE’s face. The PIXIES are still orbiting. Shocked-but-determined expression for TRIXIE; frightened expression for the PIXIES.

	6. TRIXIE:	Kropotkin!
PAGE SIX

Kropotkin! That Doyenne of Dastards! As scumbags go, they don’t come much worse than Dr. Kropotkin! A genius-level materials scientist and biochemist, Dr. Julius Kropotkin sought to augment the human form with synthetic proteins and sophisticated polymers. But an unscrupulous (lazy) PhD student accidentally swapped an order of Buckminsterfullerene with a vial of century-old buckram (a bookbinding linen)! Embarrassed during a crucial grant demonstration, Kropotkin lost his tenure, then his house, and finally his wife (who had left him five years previously, to go live on a Marxist commune with a woman named Jolene, but that’s mad scientists for you). Kropotkin was left with nothing but his rage, and went on a criminal rampage, vowing to use his genius for his own ends from that day forth.

Oh, and he’s gigantic and purple. And immensely strong. Almost forgot about that.

We join KROPOTKIN as he leaves The Bank. The Bank should be quite large: a major city centre branch of a big, established chain. The building should look a bit Roman, with a row of sturdy columns at the front. Naturally, KROPOTKIN is too big to fit through a regular door. So he made his own way in….

Panel One

KROPOTKIN, advancing through a Kropotkin-shaped hole in the side of the bank. He carries a large leather satchel (which we don’t have room to explore in this first story, but which is filled with such lovely toys. Oh my, yes.). He’s big and scary. The inside of the bank is on fire, so he should be lit from behind.

	1. KROPOTKIN:		Ah. Now that’s a bank that likes to say “yes.”
	2. POLICEMAN(off-panel):	F-F-F-Freeze!
FOOTNOTE:	Dr. Julius Kropotkin hates the world. He has no friends. His favourite food is cheese beanos.

Panel Two

KROPOTKIN stares down at the POLICEMAN, who quivers at the site of the larger man. The POLICEMAN is armed with one of those lovely new Taser things, which he points at KROPOTKIN. Not that it’ll do him any good…

	3. POLICEMAN:	Stand still! P-P-Put the bag down and - -

Panel Three

KROPOTKIN laughs, beneath his scarf, and advances on the POLICEMAN.

	4. KROPOTKIN:		Haaa! Little pig, little pig, make me grin!
	5. KROPOTKIN(connected):	Watch my fists come to stove your head in!

Panel Four

The POLICEMAN soils himself, and drops the Taser. KROPOTKIN brings his fist back for the fatal blow.

Panel Five

POLICEMAN’s POV, now, as the fist arcs down. My god, it’s bigger than the man’s head. If it connects - -

Panel Six

- - but it doesn’t! A perfectly manicured hand, much smaller than KROPOTKIN’s tattooed ham hock, intercepts the punch. KROPOTKIN’s wrist buckles under the impact.

	6. SFX:	SMAK.

Panel Seven

KROPOTKIN’s face contorts in pain.

	7. KROPOTKIN:		Arr!
	8. TRIXIE(off-panel):		Now, Doctor - -

PAGE SEVEN

Both Pages Seven and Eight have five panels, arranged in a 1-2-2 format. So that’s one establishing shot across the top of the page, and two rows of two smaller panels across the rest of the page.

There should already be a bit of a crowd formed around the fight by now, made up of bank workers and passers-by. They don’t get between KROPOTKIN and the bank, but they’re not missing out on the chance to watch this fight, either.

Panel One

TRIXIE BIKER faces off with DR KROPOTKIN, who holds his injured hand under his armpit. The POLICEMAN tentatively opens one eye, but is still cowering, behind TRIXIE.

	1. TRIXIE:	- - is that any way for an educated man to behave?

Panel Two

KROPOTKIN snarls at TRIXIE.

	2. KROPOTKIN:	RR - - you want an education?

Panel Three

KROPOTKIN swings his bag in an arc, smashing TRIXIE under the chin. She goes flying.

	3. KROPOTKIN:	RRAAAHH!
	4. SFX:		THMP.
	5. TRIXIE:		OORF!
FOOTNOTE:	Kropotkin’s satchel is full of wonderful, wonderful toys. Also, ham sandwiches. Yum.

Panel Four

TRIXIE smashes into a lamppost, and goes down.

	6. KROPOTKIN (off-panel):	The first lesson’s in Ballistics!

Panel Five

TRIXIE gets to her knees, dazed. KROPOTKIN’s shadow falls across her head and shoulders (we might even see him standing there).

	7. TRIXIE (wobbly):		uurrr…
	8. KROPOTKIN (off-panel):	And the second - -

PAGE EIGHT

By now, the Police have been called, but on this page, there’s only the shell-shocked POLICEMAN from earlier in the story. And he’s in no fit state to control the crowd – or, indeed, the couple of photographers who have arrived on-scene. They do give TRIXIE BIKER plenty of room for this next stunt, though.

The bike, DIXIE, is somewhere off-panel. I’ve left her out of the fight, along with the PIXIES, to conserve space. The original version of this fight featured TRIXIE taking on some Harryhausenesque robot skeletons, a superb bit of bike-chin interaction, and a particularly bad joke about tyres. This is better. Trust me.

Panel One

KROPOTKIN pulls TRIXIE to eye level – about seven foot six off the ground. TRIXIE dangles there, still a bit dazed. The leather satchel is by his feet. This will become important on Page Nine.

	1. KROPOTKIN:	- - the second lesson is in Anatomy.

Panel Two

KROPOTKIN pulls back his free fist (the injured one), his eyes wide with insane joy.

2. KROPOTKIN:	Now pay attention. We’ll start with a dissection of the skull.
	3. KROPOTKIN:	Any questions, class?

Panel Three

TRIXIE grabs KROPOTKIN’s forearm, tight. She’s a bit more together, now.

	4. TRIXIE:	Just one…

Panel Four

TRIXIE kicks KROPOTKIN in the bollocks. Hard. Kangaroo nightlife hard. This lifts KROPOTKIN a few inches off the ground. The hand that was holding TRIXIE spasms open, as does the other fist. His eyes should cross. Men should weep.

	5. SFX (seismic):	CHUNT.
	6. TRIXIE:		Where are your balls?
	FOOTNOTE:		Ow.

Panel Five

TRIXIE picks up the leather satchel, and hefts it, to gauge the weight. KROPOTKIN is on all fours, coughing up his last eight meals.

	7. TRIXIE:	After all - -

PAGE NINE

The climax. Go wild with Panel Two. TRIXIE BIKER is a powerful woman: stronger, even, than DR KROPOTKIN. This finale should rattle dentures in their water.

Panel One

TRIXIE winds up to deliver the winning blow. KROPOTKIN looks up, his eyes almost blind with tears.

	1. TRIXIE:	- - what sort of man carries a handbag?

Panel Two

Whammo. In an exaggerated reversal of Page Seven, Panel Three, TRIXIE smashes KROPOTKIN under the chin so hard, that he is lifted bodily off the ground and sent flying - -

	2. SFX:	POW!

Panel Three

- - and smashes – hard - into the wall of the bank. He’s not getting up from this.

	3. SFX:	CUNCH.

Panel Four

TRIXIE spins the leather satchel like it was a Louis Vitton. The crowd all have their eyes on her, cheering.

	4. TRIXIE:	You see? I’m a quick study!
FOOTNOTE:	Trixie Biker was St. Arkwright’s High School For Girls Sixth Form Rounders Captain. She hits like a girl.

PAGE TEN

Again, one wide panel across the top, and four smaller panels across the bottom two-thirds of the page. I have to apologise for the obvious gag at the bottom of this page: it seemed like a good place to go.

Panel One

Ten minutes later, the Police load KROPOTKIN, who’s still unconscious, into a heavily armoured paddy wagon. TRIXIE watches, from astride DIXIE, while two POLICE OFFICERS (one male, one female), hold the crowd back, behind some yellow tape.

	1. TRIXIE:	And the next time you feel like a lesson, Kropotkin - -

Panel Two

TRIXIE revs DIXIE’s engine, and throws the crowd a farewell wave.

	2. TRIXIE:		- - try a correspondence course!
	3. DIXIE (sfx):	rrrrRRRRRRR

Panel Three

The POLICE OFFICERS watch TRIXIE BIKER zoom off into the distance, with unabashed admiration. The MALE OFFICER turns to his partner.

4. MALE OFFICER:	Man, that Trixie Biker’s somethin’, ain’t she?
	5. MALE OFFICER (connected):	I wonder if she’s single?

Panel Four

Reverse angle. The FEMALE OFFICER continues to study TRIXIE’s dustcloud.

	6. FEMALE OFFICER:	She sure is…

Panel Five

The MALE OFFICER reacts as his partner says:

	7. FEMALE OFFICER:	…I wonder if she’s straight?

PAGE ELEVEN

Same format again. I hope it looks as good on paper as it does in my head.

Panel One

TRIXIE BIKER zooms back to work, full-tilt. She waves to some kids in a people carrier.

FOOTNOTE:	Trixie Biker identifies as hetero, but always feels a little flushed when she sees Alison Moyet on the telly.

Panel Two

DIXIE skids to a halt outside the office block.

	1. DIXIE (sfx):	RRRRRRRRRRrrrrr
	2. TRIXIE:		Well, that was a fun way to spend my lunch hour!

Panel Three.

TRIXIE gets off the bike, and kisses it affectionately on the headlamp.

	3. TRIXIE:	Mwa! Mummy loves you, Dixie. See you later!

Panel Four

TRIXIE BIKER changes back to JANE JASPERS. The same bright flash. The same overlapping figures motif. But in reverse (ha!).

	4. SFX:	BLAM.

Panel Five

The transformation completed, and the bike vanished, JANE JASPERS trots up the steps to work, putting her glasses back on

	5. JANE:	I wonder if I’ve got time for lunch…

PAGE TWELVE

The end of the story. Thanks for not lynching me. It’s been fun, if a little taxing. I’d forgotten just how hard it is to write superheroes. This story was supposed to be a quick in-BLAP-out affair. It should read quite quickly on the page though, and that’s all that matters.

Four panel page.

Panel One

JANE arrives at the lift, and pushes the button.

Panel Two

Inside the lift, now. JANE pushes the button for her floor, when the sparkly Tinkerbell effect surrounds her head.

	1. PIXIE-BLUE (off-panel):	Jaaane!
	2. PIXIE-DEW (off-panel):	Jaaaane!
	3: JANE JAPSERS:		Oh, no…

Panel Three

The PIXIES materialise again. JANE’s shoulders slump. She puts her head in her hands.

	4. PIXIE-BLUE:	Someone’s in trouble, Jane!
	5. PIXIE-DEW:	You must come!
	6. JANE:		…so much for a quiet afternoon’s work.

Panel Four

Outside the lift, now (on a different floor to Panel One, of course). The doors are closed, but the light from JANE’s transformation into TRIXIE still escapes through the door seals. Some passing office workers might react with shock. It’s a good way to say “ta-ra for now…”

	7. SFX:	BLAM.
	8. CAPTION:	END
	FOOTNOTE:	To demand more Trixie Biker stories,
write c/o Working Title Comics.

END
Trixie Biker, Dr. Kropotkin, Gogo Pixies and Dixie created by Matthew Craig.
Script, characters and situations © Matthew Craig